Thursday, August 28, 2014

38 is Going to be Great

Turning 30 was horrible.  It was a nightmare.  My mother flew out to Los Angeles because I was a wreck and after about 12 hours with me, she was looking online for flights back home.  But I clung to her desperately and wouldn't allow her to go. 

I cried.  I slobber cried.  She and I went to the beach and a guy at the bike rental hit on me and I wailed, "but I'm 30!"  Mom rolled her eyes and apologized to the poor guy and I continued down my path of true despair.  I drank so much that night I had to hold one hand over my eye so the room wouldn't spin. 

Consequently, every birthday since then has been a breeze.  In the past year my life has changed dramatically.  I became a mom!  I made a person. 

Last night, Brian and I took the Little person out with us for my birthday dinner.  You would have thought it was her 30th birthday.  She wailed, had a public meltdown and made us leave the restaurant immediately.  I have no clue why she hated the place.  She's actually great in public situations, but this place really pissed her off.  Perhaps it was the loud crappy 80s music blaring from every speaker, not perhaps, I'm going to blame that.  Plus the hostess was a stinker and set the tone and Cora does not accept attitude. 

I'm happy we didn't stay.  I read the yelp reviews later and it looks like Miss Cora helped us dodge a bullet.  We came home and ordered sushi through GrubHub and Brian ran up to BevMo and got some Sake and Sapporo. 

Now that I'm a new mom I cherish my excuse as to why I'm sloppy.  Here's our very non-fab spread.

We laid out the sushi over the mail and the baby bath set.  You can't see the Spicy Tuna Handroll I demolished.  It's probably best.  My mom gags when she watches me eat those.  They look like little raw tuna ice cream cones, only the cone is green because it's seaweed.  It may not look fancy but it was so very good! 

My vow this new year, as my birthday ushers in my new year's resolutions of sorts.  I want to be cleaner.  Even at my wedding, as the minister was tossing out some random vows, he actually said, to clean for you, and I just sat there, I couldn't repeat him because I refused to make a vow I couldn't keep.  So, he gave me a new vow and let me off the hook for that one.  But, not just for my daughter or to be nice to my husband, it would be nice to be more organized and possibly grow up a little and stop flying around by the seat of my pants.  I'm also more inclined to find work that truly makes me happy, and writing this blog is extremely satisfying.  So, I will continue writing about my Little family, but I will also be adding sponsored posts within the next few weeks.  Please understand this is great news for me and I won't share products I don't adore and believe in!

So, look out 38!  I'm ready to make the last two years of my 30s extremely awesome, clean and fab fashionable!!!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Social Media Icons do not publish or delete

I have a crappy boyfriend.

We have been seeing each other for nearly 10 years.  We took a break a couple of years ago so I could find myself back in Oklahoma.  It was ok, he still took me back.  I try to leave him over and over when he acts like a jerk, which is often, then he does something so utterly amazing and I usually forgive him.  Tonight, he gave me this...



Two nights ago I cried myself to sleep because my abusive relationship with the great city of Los Angeles had me so sad.  I hated my job, the heat, the calm sea with all the paddle boarders and bees.  My gosh I hated bees for a couple of days.  Today seemed to bring redemption.  I'm still ready to be around family but moments like this make me see how much I love it here.  I love the laid back attitude of the Malibu locals, the uptight pace of the Hollywood set, the musicians, the actors, the dreamers and everyone else who makes up the fabric of this city.  It's a hodge podge of strangers who, for the most part, get along.  I love the philosophical discussions I have from people from all over the world who have gathered here in this abusive lover of a city.  Los Angeles, you won me over today.  I'm sorry for those who experienced nature and it's destructive magnificence.!  That is all can say.  You took my breath away and I thank God for you and all you have given me in this life.  I will forever be in a codependent and rather sick relationship with this place but I believe that is part of it's charm.  

P.S.  It's my birthday tomorrow!!! 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Down by the River

You know you may not be working under the best circumstances as a bartender when you witness a girl, who lives in her van, down by the river (ok, ocean but just go with it), when you watch this girl walk out of her job because it just may suck that bad. 

This isn't to say that the food isn't good and we don't have an exquisitely stocked bar, but yesterday, if I didn't have a tiny mouth to help feed, I would have thrown in my bar towel and walked into the sunset.  Unfortunately, I can't.  

I won't get into lack of prep time or any of the things that led up to my failure to be prepared, but, I will discuss the bees.  Yes, bees.  Bees everywhere and when they started to swarm, I said, fuck this and walked away.  It was comical to watch three managers attempt to do my job and not be frightened.  One was swatting at the bees with all his might but mostly checking to make sure I was ok, the other was acting like he was bartending but was just pouring beer and edging around the back of the bar and the other was just running back and forth with no direction.  I mean, we could have just shut it down, moved a few things to the main restaurant and gone with a limited beverage menu but that didn't cross anyone's mind.  They were more concerned with profit over humanity and that just sucks.  

So, I came home to my beautiful daughter and the rest of the evening was wonderful. 

How could I be mad looking at this?

But, after she and my husband fell asleep, I sat down at the computer and began looking at real estate porn, aka, Trulia.  As I compared property value between Los Angeles and country properties in Oklahoma my heart began to break a little more.  I'm not going to lie, I cried myself to sleep last night knowing that for what we pay for a street view, one bedroom apartment, we could be living in a 3 bed/2 bath house with lake views and plenty of vegetation to forage, a place to garden and a deck to entertain on.  We would also be closer to both our families, and if I take a job as a mixologist/craft bartender, then I bet they would shut down when a bee infestation occurs, because that's how Okies do. 

So, I'm not sure what disillusioned me more...knowing I was working in a restaurant with a woman who lived in a van or the bees.  It's just tough to see someone my age move here and be homeless.  I can't help but be disappointed for her and wonder what she is thinking and I can't, for the love of anything, bring myself to want to go back and experience bees again.  But I must, until something breaks, and at this point I just really feel like something has to give eventually.

I tried to make myself feel grateful by taking photos of our beautiful neighborhood but they are possibly a bit lackluster in my dispassionate state.  Here's some California sky...meh.


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Disconnection and the Beginning of the Nothing

Last night, as I was working on the pier, I saw a sight that hurt my heart.  There in front of me, facing the vast beauty that is the pacific ocean, was a little girl, dining with her parents.  Only she wasn't dining while facing the sea...between her and the sea, was an ipad playing her favorite cartoon.

I'm not a parent shamer.  Please don't think that about me.  I understand the joy they must have had at being able to pleasurably get through a meal without the interruption of their tiny spawn, but my heart ached for her.  Her parents are setting her up for a life of no imagination.  Which will lead to...nothing.

I have tossed the idea around of screens on the backseat for Cora to watch on road trips and I just can't get into it.  I want to be annoyed by her, I want her to be bored out of her mind.  Why?  Because boredom leads to daydreams and daydreams to creativity.

I remember road trips from Oklahoma to New York, or Colorado, Florida, you name it.  We read books, looked out the windows, annoyed my parents, asked my Dad questions about the world and got answers.  I loved those times.  I loved traveling to Mexico with my parents and not experiencing an ounce of boredom because, as they talked to each other, I gazed at the sea, watched the sun drop and the moon rise and imagined a life of romance and adventure when I grew up.  I fear that technology is knocking out the imagination of our children, not to mention, disconnecting us from our daily lives and surroundings.

I plan on punishing my daughter with a balance of tech.  She will stare out the windows of our cars and her imagination will run wild.  She will stare at the ocean when we are there, or the woods or mountains.  My vow is that she will cherish the look of undeveloped land and see the beauty of the trees, stars and the world around her.  I wish to give her this.  I wish to give our next generation this and urge parents to unplug and tune it. 

Mellow Evening on the Pier

Tonight was beautiful.

I could hear the waves crash as they pounded the rocks and I stood outside my bar and watched the sea for a brief moment.

Vive la Malibu!

Friday, August 22, 2014

Pineapple Pisco Punch

Here is the recipe for the drink I made on the Malibu Pier this evening.  

Pineapple Pisco Punch
2 oz Pisco Porton
1/2 oz Lime Juice
1/2 oz Agave Simple
1 oz Pineapple Juice
Top with Soda

Combine all ingredients except the soda in a pint glass, add ice, shake in shaker tin, strain and pour into a collins glass over ice.  Top with soda, garnish with a pineapple and enjoy beach side!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Right Now ~ Today I Learned a Lesson from Cora

I once had a mentor tell me you will constantly go back to what is comfortable so you have to figure out a way to break out of your comfort zone.  He said it was human behavior to revert back to old habits whether they are good or bad habits.

I am afraid that in the very recent past I have reverted to old habits.  Before Cora I would zone out and watch television or stress over my acting career, stare blankly into space during dry work spells and stay up late.  Then when she was born I stopped those things.  Well, the other day I found myself staring at the tv while feeding her and not paying as close attention to her as I should and I wondered how long I had been doing that.  

Today I didn't turn on tv or netflix and I allowed myself to connect with my daughter.  I listened as she cried and tried to tune into what she needed.  She kept making bitter beer face so I know she's teething.  There were several times today that I just held her close and she hugged back, burying her face in my neck for comfort.  As the day passed, hour by hour I found her to be much more calm.  Usually as the day progresses her attitude gets worse.  That didn't happen today.  I stayed in tune with her the entire day and I have to admit.  It was great. 

Obviously I missed the SAG-Aftra Orientation, but I just couldn't bring myself to go.  These moments are fleeting and I feel awful that I have missed a few in these last couple of weeks. 

I remember when pursuing an acting career was my only goal in life.  Everything had to happen right now or last week or before time even happened.  I was on a hamster wheel with occasional moments of forward momentum but more often just stuck.  I would get headshots and feel slighted if they didn't come right away.  I would spend hours picking out the right one.  Now, my husband had to pick my most recent ones because I just want to be with the baby and I'm not as interested in that as I once was.  I still haven't contacted Delaney about the photos I have picked, not because I have lost the love of acting, but because I know how long the hours are and I'm not ready to make that commitment. 

I know many people look at actors and think they make too much money or are spoiled.  Some do and some are, but the average actor has worked his or her ass off and missed many things most people get to experience.  Television actors often spend 12 or more hours on set, five days a week for a solid nine months, then appearances and hustling for other jobs or shooting films during time off, and I'm not ready for that.  I'm just not.  I still plan on taking the commercial class with Killian but that isn't until October, and booking a commercial is an entirely different animal.  I want to just take each day as it comes and enjoy my time with my little girl.  There isn't much else I want to do right now.  I hope we can move closer to family, but until that happens I'm happy to blog and learn everything I can about building a business online. And when we move closer, I will continue to blog and build my business.  

At first I thought this would be easy, but each day I learn that I have so much to learn about blogging and building an online business, even a mommy inc company.  So, after my family goes to sleep I like to sit and create content, read the content of others and learn everything I can about social media.  For me, this is currently more satisfying than acting, for now.  I still like working my 2-3 shifts per week in Malibu, because Malibu is wonderful and I like crafting cocktails.   Crafting cocktails, aka bartending, is also a comfortable place for me.  Also, have you seen my view?

In summation, I learned from my daughter to live in the moment.  For her, this is all she knows.  Moment to moment is her life.  I would like to make it mine to.  I want to string together moments and allow myself to let my life grow around me just like she does.  My first priority is her and I promise her, my husband and myself to be present, right here, right now. 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Tuesday Fashion and the DMV

Between days at home and days bartending on the pier, I don't dress up much.  Today I went to the DMV and tomorrow I'm headed to the SAG Foundation for orientation, and since I will be auditioning again, I have decided to jump back into my fashion.

I would like to let you know that I learned my lesson after the birth certificate courthouse debacle.  I showed up at the DMV at 8:15 and was out by 9:45.  Since I married Brian and had baby Cora, I no longer do things on my own timeline.  Brian had the morning off and he watched Cora while I zipped in and out of my drivers license name change.  Of course, my mom informed me that I had done this in Oklahoma it would have taken 15 minutes.  Perhaps one day I will find out!

Today I decided on a cotton dress with a cotton short-sleeve jacket and hidden platform booties.  Mostly because it's easy to get baby vomit out of cotton.  Here is my look, forever recorded on the internet and my Drivers License photo.

Similar items on Amazon.  No need to spend a fortune when you're between sizes and constantly getting barfed or slobbered on. 

The Giver ~ Book Report

Recently I have been reading books to be made into movies because I can't see movies in the theatre right now and I don't want to be completely shut out of conversation.  This summer I have read The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and The Giver by Lois Lowry.

I didn't see the movie but I'm pretty sure, judging by the angry tweets that The Fault in Our Stars really stuck to the plot.  I'm not sure about The Giver, it looks a bit different than the book I read, and by that, I mean, not even the same story.

The book takes place in a little over a year's time and the main characters age from 12-13 and these people look slightly older.  It was mostly about the internal struggle and journey of both The Giver and The Receiver.  Also, I don't think the dad injected anyone but babies.  The only part that looks good is Jeff Bridges and as much as I love Meryl, I don't think her character had much of a part in the book.  After reading this I was so excited to see the dvd when I can, but now, after seeing the trailer, I need to prepare myself for a completely different story, and that's kind of a bummer dude.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

My Obsession with Coconut Oil

When I began this blog I titled it Coconut Kangaroo.  This was mostly because I was pregnant and obsessed with coconut oil.  I think I have found a million reasons to use coconut oil but I will begin with just a few. 

Every night before bed I use cold pressed extra virgin coconut oil on my face.  It's what I use as a moisturizer.  I have always had that weird t-zone oil area with dry cheeks and now my skin has smoothed out and feels wonderful, plus, I love the way it smells as I drift off to sleep.

I have a friend with dry skin who used it to combat her pesky pimples brought on by stress. She applied a tiny bit by Q-tip four times a day and they have cleared up without the drying effects of most acne medicine. 

Cora had dry scalp after she was born and I have used it to combat that as well.  

These are just a few of the reasons I adore coconut oil.  I will write more as I think of them. 

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Water Otter

The other day my friend Jess and I were learning about our Native American Animal symbols.  I am a bear, my husband is a goose and my daughter is an otter.  Cora is also an Aquarius and in Chinese astrology she is a snake, born just shy of the year of the horse.  So, today we finally took our water baby to the pool.


 My favorite place!!!
Me and my tiny water wizard.

Friday, August 15, 2014

The Time has Come

Next month I will take my daughter on her first airplane ride.  We are traveling east to Oklahoma to visit our family.  Brian may or may not be with me on the flight and I am absolutely terrified.  I think I am going to avoid the stroller altogether and just wear her.  Time to plan for the big event!

I have decided to order a bunch of stuff on Amazon and have it shipped to my parents. I need a new car seat so I will have one shipped there along with food and formula, then ship it back here and install it when we come back home.  It's my goal to make this as easy and painless as possible.  I really hope Brian can accompany me on this journey but he may have to fly a different airline since it is a work trip for him. 

I am beyond exited to see my family.  I can't wait to introduce Cora to her gigantic clan!  She will also meet Nana and we will get a four generation photo!  

Let the planning stages begin!!!  Wish me luck. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

So Hollywood

As an actor, I am faced with the inevitable necessity of the occasional need of new headshots.  I have had some random experiences with this, ranging from good to bad.  I have shot with incredible photographers whose work speaks for itself and complete assholes who win the Backstage Readers Choice awards...5 years ago.

Today I went to an appointment with a new photographer, and she was awesome!!!  I'm incredibly happy with the results.  The day didn't go off without a hitch though.  As well as I planned and as early as I woke up, I still had a hiccup along the way.  But I will begin with the morning.

I woke up a little after 6am, (my appointment was at 10), but I thought it would be easier to give myself a ton of time to get ready as I have never booked a shoot with an infant.  I have talked about this before, when Cora wakes up she is the happiest baby on earth.  Today, she woke up and I was in curlers, which was a first for her.

Curious babe.

After I got us both ready and her fed I loaded up the car and left with a ton of time, enough time to stop and get breakfast.  I went through the drive-thru and was marveling at how amazing I am that the entire morning had so far gone off without a hitch, until I remembered, I packed her clothes, my makeup, my undergarments and shoes, her play toys and diaper bag, and I totally forgot my clothes.  Well, shoot!  I turned the car around and retrieved my things and ended up getting to the shoot about 20 minutes late.  Delaney, the photographer was extremely patient and very cool about my tardiness and the shoot was awesome.  We got some great photos and she assured me I wasn't as giant as I thought I was.

Here are just a few from the shoot!

Brian's favorite.

My favorite.

Possible new headshot photo.

New blog photo.

I had so much fun today and Cora was amazing!  She posed and smiled and didn't cry until the street cleaner came by as we were loading the car.  Delaney is a great headshot photographer who made me feel comfortable from the second I met her.  I cannot wait to see the rest of the photos.

Of course, Cora had a bit of a breakdown on the way home.  Posing for her first Hollywood headshot session was probably exhausting.  So, we pulled over and had some juice in the park.

I felt like today was such an awesome bonding experience.  I loved doing this with my daughter and look forward to many more of these sessions! 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

No Exit

Does anyone remember the play No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre?  I read it in college during a great literature of the 20th century course and it came at a time in college when I was beginning to question the doctrine I had been taught.   I remember at the time this song came out.

Well, yesterday I went to pick up Cora's birth certificate from the Van Nuys Courthouse and this is why my memory jogged back to studying hell in college.

 Van Nuys Courthouse

I spent a solid two hours there, waiting in line behind couples filing for a marriage license and I thought, if their relationship can withstand this line then they may be onto something.  It wasn't one of those take a number and sit down places.  It was a long line wrapped around itself by those elastic dividers held up by plastic poles.  It was like a line for an amusement park and the feeling when I got the birth certificate was just as exhilarating as finishing up a ride on a roller coaster. 

To make matters worse, one of the guys working the window said if we had come on a different day it would have taken less time.  Monday is the busiest day!  Yay for me!  Thanks for the update after that 2 hours I just spent waiting.  

Fortunately Cora was an absolute doll.  She smiled at everyone and giggled all afternoon, came home, ate and slept like a rock.  Of course I found her face down on her tummy in her crib this morning as that is apparently how she likes to sleep now.  And now I have another reason for my insomnia. 

In conclusion, I believe that hell is the vital records department on a Monday at the Van Nuys courthouse.  If I have another baby, I will find a notary and send in the certificate request when the little bean turns two months old.  Why didn't I think of that then?!

Monday, August 11, 2014

What Dreams May Come and the Incredible Darkness of Being

It isn't often that I comment on a celebrity's death, let alone feel the urge to write an entire blog about them, but the death of Robin Williams really hurts.  He held so many hearts in his hands at one time or another and what a tremendous job he did for us in his calling as an entertainer. 

To hear that it was a plausible suicide is gut wrenching.  I lost an aunt to suicide. 

I have also seen so many actors deal with the treacherous grip of the demon of depression as it wraps it's bony fingers around our much too sensitive souls and works with everything it can to rip us violently away from this life.  Whether you have it all, like Williams or on a hit show like Lee Thompson Young or are someone like me, swimming downstream waiting to break into the mainstream, none of us are immune from deep and intense sadness. 

This scene from what dreams may come is haunting.

Heaven & Reality

This was probably my favorite movie of his but I just haven't been able to bring myself to watch it since getting married, having a baby and losing my dog.  But this scene I posted is so beautiful it is an explanation of what happens when we die. 

And I can't help but wonder, how many of us would walk through hell and relieve Williams of his torment as he was kind enough to walk through his hidden personal hell at times in this life to bring us joy.  But I don't believe suicide victims go to hell.  I believe they already lived through it.

I feel overwhelming sadness that such a bright star could have found himself traveling down such a dark road in complete isolation and in those final moments made the decision to leave this life for good.  I have nothing but empathy and compassion for a soul in that much pain.  I understand when you reach a certain point there is no cure for it and it is a complete tragedy. 

I just don't have any other words except that he was stuck in the incredible darkness of being yet had the power to bring immense light through pain.  He was and always will be a great one.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Burning out the Negative

I have worked as a bartender in two high profile places that have both shut down.  I have decided to stop stressing about work.

I can no longer quit jobs because now I have a daughter to help support with my husband.  Sometimes life seems cruel and unfair when you have to go somewhere, spend time away from your precious baby, only to spend time working for an unappreciative ass.  (Just to clarify, this is about my resident bar position, not any of the random catering gigs I pick up.)  That is where I am right now.  Just trying to wait it out until a better opportunity I am working for comes my way.

The positive, I am shooting new headshot photos next week, visiting my family in Oklahoma soon and starting a commercial class in October.  Slowly but surely the kinks will work out.

But how do you handle jerk bosses?  I am extremely sensitive and feel I may make it easy to be a punching bag for pricks like the guy I work for now.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

The Deal Has Been Made

What is he paying you tiny baby?

Everyday this week she pooped at least 20 minutes before her daddy came home, thus forcing me to change her diaper.  I will find out what he's paying her.  His sneaky avoidance and their obvious conspiracy isn't invisible.  I'm onto them.


It was a strange last couple of days.  I have this tendency when I go into my current place of employment to sink into the depths of dread and allow myself the ugliness of complaining.  So basically my attitude today looked like an army of toilets.

I blame the actual army of toilets I found staring me down the other day when I left my apartment to put money on my laundry card.  If you aren't aware of my recent toilet encounters, here's a recap  from my front porch.  Right before Cora was born the apartment complex decided to reinstall all of the toilets.  They didn't post this anywhere and one day these two showed up on the porch and then disappeared.  Later I found a note.

Then a couple of weeks later, these appeared.

Then after a run to the post office to collect the packages the mail carrier refuses to deliver, I stumbled upon this laying at the end of the road right next to the highway.

Poor toilet, shit on its whole life and then tossed aside to spend its final days near the 101.

So, this has truly been my year of obscure toilet sightings.  

In other news, today I made a delicious cosmo at work.  Horrible transition, I know, but sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad.

And of course after Brian and I's self imposed temporary prohibition, I will share this little drink on my youtube channel to satisfy your at home libationary needs. 

~Bottoms up!  Or down! (depending on which part of this blog you relate to)

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Ginger Blue

It's time for my weekly non-alcoholic concoction.  Only 10 more weeks and I will start putting boozy posts up again... but for now, the prohibition era continues in The Little Household.

This week I used fresh blueberries because they are in season and really cheap, 100% not from concentrate lime juice, simple syrup and ginger beer.

Ginger Blue

The benefits of lime include weight loss, skin care and improved digestion.  The blueberries are a natural antioxidant and the ginger beer is great for morning sickness during pregnancy. 

I will walk you through it step by step on this video!

More than Life

I love Pandora.  Cora and I alternate our music preferences.  One day it's Disney or Baby Einstein and other days it's Whitley or something else random.  Today it was Whitley.  More than Life.

It took me back to the first days Cora was in my life.  The labor that was beyond painful, even though I had an epidural.  The recovery that seemed to last forever.  It was horrendous.  I sat on the couch in odd positions as I healed from an episiotomy.    The first days I would lean on the coffee table, then crawl my way to the couch so I could make my way over to the wall and allow it to support me around the house, to the bathroom or kitchen.  But despite the pain, these moments would happen where I would look at her and just not care.  I won't lie and say the pain went away when I gazed at her, it didn't, but I felt out of body as if the physical didn't matter.  My soul and the love for my new baby walked me through the pain and awkwardness of the physical part healing.  

As she grows and the pain is a distant memory and the extra pounds slowly fade away, I find myself falling deeper in awe of her.  She melts my heart, both during her sincere moments.

And the times she looks like a falling down drunk.  

So, the song took me back and during that time it didn't take much to make me cry or laugh like a lunatic.  My hormones were bonkers and my brain was out of sorts.  Even now I get a tear in my eye when I hear it.  I love music.  I love being transported.  I made her listen to it, and she bounced up and down because that's what she does when she hears anything.  Watching her do her baby dance to a song that reminds me of her filled me with more joy than I ever thought possible and once again solidified why I became a mom.  


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bare Necessities

Since becoming a mom I listen to a lot, and by a lot... I mean a TON, of Disney music on Pandora.  Cora loves it.  This is my current fave.

If you're lucky, I will post the dance we do to this!

Monday, August 4, 2014

I Am Enough

I mentioned earlier that I was working through Julia Cameron's book, Walking in this World.  Well, I'm a week in and I'm already seeing changes, major changes in my life.  Some of the activities seem silly, but I know they have a purpose.  I deviated from last night's assignment but I still did it.  I was to listen to my favorite music for 15 minutes while repeating the mantra, I am enough.  I didn't listen to music.  I just repeated it as I fell asleep and it was actually amazing.

As it began to resonate with me, I realized that I am enough.  I don't need to consult the internet every time Cora does something that confuses me.   I have the knowledge and instincts to take care of her and sometimes too much information can lead me down the wrong path.  I am her mother, I am enough.  And for the times I show up to work and my jerk boss makes me feel like I'm not doing enough, I realize, I am, I am enough.  I bring knowledge of my job to the table and no crazymaker can take that away from me.  The times I feel like maybe my husband wants me to do more around the house...this one is my favorite, I'm here and that's enough!  And finally, as I struggle with the nerves of heading back out into the acting world, I take a deep breath and realize, I am enough. 

So far so good on this 12 week journey that will take me deeper into my art!

You can get your copy of Julia Cameron's book on Amazon.  That's where I got mine.  I downloaded it to Kindle and started right away!  No Kindle?  No problem!  It comes in hardback too!

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Weekend Wrap-up

I'd have to say, this weekend was pretty stellar, even though I spent it behind the bar pouring mimosas for the Malibu clientele.   I had fun the way any new parent has fun...Netflix!!!

 A couple of years ago when I left the corpse of my dead relationship I had been rotting in for three years too long, I had decided I was going to move to the back 10 acres of my parents 20 and build a tiny house.  I was ready to buy a trailer, build a little house around it and poop in a bucket.

Before you spit out whatever you might be eating, let me back track a bit.  Please visit the Tumble Weed Tiny House Company.  And if you don't want to do that... here's a photo of my once upon a time dream house:

My Dad and I had plans to start construction on this in the fall of 2012.  We were going to build it and I was going to live alone, off the grid, plant a garden and hide away from civilization.  Yes, the relationship before I met my husband was that bad.  But alas, I met Brian and now we live in a tiny apartment box in Los Angeles.  Our rent is high enough to have a four bedroom home in Oklahoma, where we met, but it's ok.  The pacific ocean is 30 minutes away, and I traded in a lifetime of solitude for a new family.  Well, this weekend we watched a netflix documentary about Tiny Homes and it really got us thinking about how to utilize the space we do have while we save up for our modest dream home in Malibu.

Here's a brief description, but you can watch the whole movie on Netflix or Youtube and it's shot really well!  One of the ending scenes has such vibrant views of colors in Colorado nature that it actually left me breathless.

So, the eco-friendly geek in me loved this doc, and I got my fix and inspiration on our digs here but then on Saturday we decided to dirty our palate with the comedy of Tom Segura - Completely Normal.  Oh.My.Gosh!!!  I laughed so hard at one point I couldn't make noise anymore and I almost peed my pants.  

We wrapped up the weekend with a trip to the park to listen to a U2 cover band and just spend the evening outdoors.  Cora was a little freaked out by all the strange faces so we sat away from the crowd and watched from afar...yeah, she's definitely got my social awkwardness, get me out of the crowd gene!

We walked back home and as we were about to walk inside I decided to snap a pic of the sky.  Here it is...please let this be a sunset that means rain is coming.  

Friday, August 1, 2014

Six Months

15 months ago I had no idea I was going to be a mother.  In fact, most of my life I had planned on NOT being a mother.  I held fast and proud to my childless life before meeting my husband, then I thought, sure, what the heck, I probably can't get pregnant anyway, and I told him we could try to have a baby. 

In my "other life" I napped, drank on weeknights and auditioned, took meetings and applied for random jobs at any time of the day I felt like.  I scheduled photo shoots whenever and sometimes didn't eat if I didn't want to or hiked all day in the sun without worrying about repercussions.  At the time I thought, this is the life.  I loved that life, then, sometime around 14 months ago, I found out I was pregnant. 

Last week a 16 year old boy asked me what it was like to be pregnant.  He then giggled nervously and said he didn't know why he asked that and had never asked anyone that before.  I told him it was a lonely, exciting, dark unknown that each woman experiences in her own way.  For me, it was this overwhelming and frightening journey into a gigantic question mark.

Of course, moving to Los Angeles was a dark and scary unknown.  I have written about it before.  I remember when I drove out to L.A. I felt like I was driving to the edge of the Earth and would fall right off into the deep unknown.  Pregnancy felt similar, only different, because I was with my husband and a tiny human had decided to make my belly her home.

But now, 15 months after conception and six months after birth I am in love with life in a way I never knew possible.  Just tonight I looked at my husband and said, I don't have panic attacks anymore.  I am safe and secure and despite any debt or uncertainty we have in our lives, I'm no longer afraid.  I feel complete.  I have this tiny person who depends on me each and every day and it doesn't alarm me.  I took great care of myself for her while she grew in my belly and now that she's here, I do everything I can for her.  When she wakes in the night crying, I am there.  When she giggles, I rush quickly to see what's funny, there isn't much rushing because it's usually me she has found so hysterical.  I am teaching her to sit and unlike when I taught my dog, it's a new thing for her, not something I say to get her to stay put.  In the mornings, after my husband has gone to work, she snuggles next to me and fusses when I move my arm from her and wakes up in such a state of glee.  My life has changed for the better.  My life is different than it was in my way extended fun years. 

And I'm proud I made the leap.  I'm satisfied with the choices I have made in the past two years.  I look forward to every moment to come and I cannot say that for the past 15 years of idle frustration.  I feel like my life truly began the day she was born.

Here's to the past six months...

 She had jaundice but I joked that we were plugging her in to charge her.

 Not drunk or blazed, just blinded by flash.  It happens all the time.

I love you baby Cora.