Friday, May 23, 2014

...and now I move forward.

This week I received my answer to the pregnancy question.  There is no baby.  It never grew.  It was just an egg that attached and I guess it was rotten because it was unable to produce a human.  I was prepared to see nothing in the monitor because of how slow my hormones were to rise, but no baby made an appearance so now my body has to figure this out. 

At first, admittedly, I was excited about the idea of Irish twins.  I thought Cora could have a little partner in crime.  I envisioned them running and laughing in unison in her high pitched squeal she has recently discovered in her voice box library.  I thought they could whisper stories to each other at night and neither one would ever feel lonely.  Then another thought hit me, Good God how am I going to take care of two babies less than one year apart?  I thought of all the times I sit and hold her, how much attention Cora needs on a daily basis and how hard it would be to give her attention when I had someone else smaller and needier than her demanding me.  Then I became terrified. 

As those thoughts crept in and the excitement died down, I noticed I wasn't attaching to this pregnancy like I did when she was growing in my belly.  With Cora I felt like a had this mysterious secret that was bigger than the world.  Then I thought, well, maybe it's because I'm doing this again so soon after her.  Maybe my body is used to being pregnant.  

When the doctor explained what was happening I immediately knew this pregnancy wouldn't be.  I wrestled with the guilt of wondering if I had done something wrong by not attaching or is it because I was vegetarian with Cora for the most part, (sometimes I honored my fried chicken cravings) but recently I had been eating red meat.  My doctor told me I did nothing wrong and this isn't preventable.  He then talked to me about getting pregnant in the future.  I actually don't want to.  I would have had this one but would really just like to have only my Cora.  

Because I wasn't trying the pain isn't as bad.  If this had happened with her I think I would be inconsolable.   For me, the loss is in the fact that I wasn't able to carry a baby to term.  But then the reality of there was no baby sets in and I'm not really that sad.  Had I not taken a pregnancy test and just attributed my late period to inconsistency after childbirth, then I never would have known.  My doctor says this happens a lot with women.  That they miscarry and never know.  

Either way, to those of you who take the time to read my blog, thank you.  For those who have sent words of strength and compassion, thank you.  I want you to know that I am okay.  I'm blessed beyond expression at my happiness I have with Cora and the joy I have with my husband!  I'm realistic in that I don't want to properly space babies apart because of my age.  My doc argued but this is truthfully how I feel.  He said he will leave room for me to change my mind and I appreciate that but would rather focus on my little Little.  With my inner child, my husband's youthful exuberance and our newborn...I most certainly have my hands full!

And now I move forward.  I will begin to consistently blog again.  I can't wait to tell you about my coupon adventures!  I'm now ready to get back into fitness and take the journey back to a rockin body.  I'm also having so much fun crafting cocktails on the Malibu Pier and have plenty of stories building up about the colorful locals that visit my new "office," also, coming soon...views from my bartending post.  This is the most beautiful location I have ever worked in and I am loving every minute of it.  Also, since my husband and I share baby duties, I go back into the pursuit of my acting career.  So, while it was a sad detour, I have a concrete answer and I am ready to move forward with the family I have intact and ready to experience the joys of raising this adorable baby and continue the journey of marriage to the most amazing man I have ever met.  I am lucky.  I am willing to take the heartbreak with elation.  I am ready to move forward. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

A Personal Story

I don't usually go too personal on here as I like to keep some things private, but since I showed my positive pregnancy test I have received uncomfortable news.  I have developed a yolk sac but still no baby.  I have stayed away from my blog while I dealt with the grief of not knowing and the pain of the insecurity.  My body no longer feels pregnant but my doctor keeps sending me in for blood work and sonograms.  I will be back soon with my Little Tales but for now, I am taking each day as it comes and waiting to see if a baby will grow.  

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Detroit

Detroit

 

I work in Malibu, a long way from Detroit.  I commute from the north valley and while I was driving through the hills and preparing for that beautiful turn that leads to a magnificent view of the Pacific, I all of the sudden found myself thinking of Detroit.  

Now, I am from Oklahoma, I don't know much about Detroit other than it's in Michigan and I think Eminem came from there.  But here is what struck me, Detroit is in ruins.  Not just a little bit.  It is our modern day fallen Rome, and in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we Americans have let a great city crumble.  

How much of the GM bailout went to moving factories out of Detroit?  I don't know nor am I trying to make a point, I'm just confused by where the money went.  It certainly didn't go to fixing the recalls but that's a totally different story.  

Today my heart hurt for many people who once inhabited this great city and how saddened they must be to see what it has turned into.  I know some people are looking to rebuild it, but the fact you can buy a sky scraper there for what you can buy a house on the beach here makes me sad.  

I think the city could turn into something different.  The photos I have seen remind of the documentary Life After People.  I think we should all give Detroit some thought and find a way to rebuild this city, bring work back to America, and if we can't bring it back, then find a way to create more here.  

I have never been to Detroit but I have love for it.  At one time it was one of the major hubs of our country and now it sits in ruin and the jobs have left.  


This is what remains...


Of what once was.

And we American citizens have concerned ourselves with pitiful hateful headlines that distract us from the ruin that is culminating around us.  I don't know why Detroit came to my mind and settled in my heart, but I am saddened that our country is slowly dumbing down and fading away and we are all too blind to realize it.  How can we fix it?  I have no idea.  I suppose for one we could turn off news channels that fuel opposing sides with hate, respect each other's differences and begin to rebuild our country with the unity we find in each other in our day to day lives and not concern ourselves with played out stories the media decides we should be informed about.  Get out, explore your country and allow yourself to absorb what's really going on.  We owe it to our future generations and we owe it to ourselves. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Crazy Couponer - The Transition - Day 2

Crazy Couponer - The Transition - Day 2

I'm still working on Day 3.  I have pulled apart all of my inserts and now it's time to organize all of this:


So, I spent most of the day cutting coupons on the dotted line.  It was brutal.  Couponing is hard but I'm not giving up.  Just today I saw the possibility of getting 12 candy bars for 5 bucks.  Priorities people! 

Today I also watched another episode of Extreme Couponing on Netflix.  I know every show is the same.  It has a formula.  Will the person be able to succeed at the check out stand?  Will they be able to overcome their obstacles and reach their goal?  If they do it every time the suspense doesn't work , but it's ok, I will watch anyways for ideas. 

I'm exhausted.  I'm turning in.  I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow to see what this positive pregnancy test and lack of period mean.   It is possible I'm about to be the mother of Irish twins!  Happy first Mother's Day to me if so!

Yes, yes you are looking at a stick I peed on.


Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sunday Funday ~ Cora and the Bunny

Sunday Funday ~ Cora and the Bunny


Today I asked Cora what she planned on getting me for Mother's Day.

She decided to talk to the bunny about it instead.


















Hopefully they decided on a move back to Oklahoma.  Only time and any hiring petroleum companies will tell. 

Crazy Couponer - The Transition - Day 1

Crazy Couponer - The Transition - Day 1

 

Awhile back, during my first pregnancy, I sat in the audience of the Queen Latifah Show and instead of seeing a television celebrity, I discovered an internet celebrity, the Krazy Coupon Lady.  I was inspired by her ability to save as much as she does.  It's really amazing.  

Day 1 - For the first day she advises that I completely change the way I eat and shop.  Ok.  I'm prepared for that.  I'm just going to go ahead and use what she recommends as entire days as steps instead.

Day 2 -  Find the coupons.  This step says to download coupons or get them from the Sunday paper.  I'm not really into downloading this program, so, I'm going to skip that part.  I do have inserts from the past two Sundays, so I am prepared to start clipping.  



Day 3 - Getting organized.  Now is the time I organize my binder.  I have now been to two stores for the baseball card inserts and have not found what I need.  I bought a little coupon holder, I'm trying the Office Depot up the street.  If they don't have what I need, I'm going with the little file folder.  So, here I go to walk up the street.  (The baby is napping and hubs just finished cutting his hair so I'm going.)

Success!  Not only did Office Depot have what I was looking for, but the sheets were on clearance so I purchased them for $4 cheaper than I expected.  Check me out!  I'm already saving!





Now for organizing...not my strong suit.

So, now I'm going to sit on the floor and find the time between baby naps, feeding and diaper changes to separate my pages and get organized...after the next blog post of course!

My mission of saving mega bucks is -

                     ...to be continued!